We’re thrilled to bring you a special post from our Twitter friend, James Breakwell. We haven’t stopped laughing since following him @XplodingUnicorn – his tweets, which primarily represent things his kids do or say, will have you in stitches. We hope you enjoy, and follow along as he continues to highlight the hilarious moments of parenting.
James Breakwell I was born. Years later, I reproduced. Then I wrote this bio. Clearly I’ve led an eventful life.
I blog at ExplodingUnicorn, “draw” webcomics at JamesBreakwell, and write jokes for a webcomic drawn by a real artist at WombatDojo. I also waste too much time throwing together one-liners for my Twitter account, @XplodingUnicorn. I make time for it all by strategically neglecting my job and family. I have my priorities straight.
A dad to how many kids?
I have three girls: a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old, and a 3-month-old. There’s enough estrogen in my house to choke a horse. And, yes, horses really do choke on estrogen. I read it in a book somewhere.
One word that describes being a father?
Best advice you were given about parenting?
If you ignore children long enough, they pretty much raise themselves. Thanks, Dad.
What’s been your biggest surprise as a dad?
Love and effort are inversely proportional. The less I try, the more my kids adore me. My wife spends all her waking hours, and most of her sleeping ones, plotting out how to keep our daughters happy and healthy. I mostly just let them sit on my lap while I shoot people on“Call of Duty.” I’m their favorite.
What have you learned from your daughters?
People who learn from their mistakes only have one kid. I have three. Draw your own conclusions.
What do you look forward to experiencing?
I look forward to the day when my kids pay me back for all the money I’ve dumped into raising them. I’m keeping a tab.
Biggest misconception of a stay-at-home dad (if you are one)?
My wife and I both work full-time because we’re heartless capitalists. My 2-year-old actually calls daycare “home” and it doesn’t even bother me. As far as I’m concerned, if she lives there, then the daycare people should pay me when I watch her on nights and weekends.
Funniest moment with the kids while mom’s away?
One of my kids fell in the toilet and got stuck. I noticed eventually.
What is your biggest hope for your daughters?
Whenever they have an important life decision, I hope they ask themselves, “What would Dad do?” Then they should do the exact opposite. As long as they turn out nothing like me, they’ll do fine.
An insult your daughter(s) have called you that you were proud of them for coming up with?
My 4-year-old said, “Daddy, you shouldn’t dance.” She’s not even in kindergarten yet and she’s already astute enough to be ashamed of me in social situations. She’ll go far in life.
Something you had to scold your daughters for, but that you secretly thought “that was awesome!”
My daughters turn everything into weapons. For liability purposes, I’m required to stop them from swinging plastic golf clubs like swords, but realistically it’s great combat training. When the zombies come, my kids will be ready.
Who are your followers on Twitter – mostly parents?
My biggest demographic consists of childless people who want to reaffirm their decision to never have kids. My tweets are like birth control.
What made you start tweeting about the things that you see as a dad?
I set out to write other kinds of tweets, but my kids are loud and hard to ignore. I should really invest in earplugs.